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Trashcan: If creativity dies I die


I’m sitting in my room, drinking beer and blessing chalice in hope it will inspire me to write, or give me something to do. All this heat and city depression is getting too much. Just the other week I was swimming in the sea, soaking up my feet and finding shells, and it was when I realized how much I love sea and regardless of being pretty much hard core Leo with Sun, Moon, Mercury and south node in this sign, I still have planets Venus and Jupiter in the sign of Cancer and Pluto in Scorpio.

Hasui Kawase
Artwork by Hasui Kawase

There is nothing in this world that relaxes me more than sound, smell and taste of sea. How ever mysterious and deep and scary it’s depths may be, I seem to be so magnetically drawn to it by feeling it’s purging effects on me. I’ve noticed this only recently even though all my life I knew what kind of a child I was: one child that spends hours in water, comes out with blue lips and skin looking like some kind of disease.

I wish I could go back and I hopefully will, because I need me some of that vitamin Sea before I can go back to world of ideas, thoughts, and freedom.

It’s especially when I lay on my back in water that I feel like crying because of feeling of so little weight. It feels like I’m soft and thin as a feather, only weighing a few grams, showered with Sun I float…not knowing where the waves carry me. It’s such a beautiful and special feeling to me, I would cry but it wouldn’t even come close to describing you this very special connection I have towards the sea. This could also be connected to the fact that my Sun is on 0° Leo (we checked, it’s okay) and I was born day after the eclipse that happened on 29° Cancer with a very funny Sabian symbol degree saying: ” Daughter of American Revolution” as Marc Edmund Jones sees it.  Everytime I say something a little revolution starts, even on personal level. 

So…back to what I was saying. When you’re a child and you have no worries…people tend to tell you that you can be whatever you want and do whatever you want when you grow up. This usually turns out to be a lie since very soon you come to find out how everything has been planned for you already; but not by you actually.

Oh no, silly. You have to go to kindergarten, then elementary, then middle school, then University because that will give you a job. And then you get a job and you work until you can’t work anymore (or you’re eligible for retirement) where you are finally free to work on whatever your heart desires… And there is always money as a problem.

“Oh everybody would like to do what they want to do, but we need money.”


I’ve worked many many jobs, that were full time and half time because I was very scared. Lots of things were depending on me, like most important thing: do not disappoint your parents , or what will people think of me when I tell them I do creative job that creates me little to no income. All these things were clogging me, clogging my creativity, only creating more fear and self-doubt. Like I would always ask myself, why do I have all these creative urges but I can’t live off this?

My “regular” job experiences were something valuable but they only proved my point, and eventually I felt so unhappy and on the urge of suicide because I couldn’t cope with restricting my creative urges. Only the environment of works I did were too much. I’ve found myself in different places; from cleaning psychiatric institutions (Virgo on cusp of 12th and 1st) where my heart was falling apart of how people that are marked mentally ill are being treated. I witnessed autistic girl being slapped by someone who was supposed to be a technician in the hospital and I couldn’t bear it. I felt I should react but than my supervisor told me I shouldn’t say anything because we’re only cleaning here. I still reported it anyway and quit my job. 

And you know, while I worked there I will never forget one little boy that spoke to me. He was around 6-7 years old, brilliantly well spoken and capable of holding a conversation just as he was my age (I was around 19-20 then). He always seemed so happy to see me and approach me, just as he knew I offered sort of Sanctum for him. A place with no judgement. And he asked if he could help me clean, but it was of course forbidden for anyone but me to use chemicals or rags or any other cleaning product which was understandable.

So after we chatted a while I had an urge to ask him why was he there. He was so deep and seemed like an old soul so I took my chances. I trusted him, and I think he trusted me too. And he then said that him and other kids were playing one day in his neighborhood and their ball eventually ended up on the roof. So he took his chances and went on a roof, and neighbors called his parents apparently, and then parents fed up with him put him there.   (I am aware that child is talking his side of story from his own reality tunnel and perspective) This broke my heart, I just looked at him with my eyes full of tears, since here I am receiving this information and I can’t do anything. For a moment there I felt as he was mine, and it was my responsibility to take him or to somehow help him.

So I went and talked to my supervisor and told her, and I even asked one nurse about it, but she told me that we are not allowed to speak to them such as if they were fucking walls or fucking trash and that it was none of our business what these kids are saying since they made up stories all the time.

Excuse my disgust but it’s was really simply too emotional for me to stay there, especially on the position where my job is only cleaning, not interacting which killed me. It all seemed so we do this because we must, not because we love doing it. 

And this happened with almost every boring and emotionally and mentally exhausting job. It’s not even about physical. Physical I can bear, it is the emotionless world and world with no creativity and  empathy I can’t seem to bear.



I’m not saying jobs I worked are worthless, but they felt like a burden to me as with every situation I was reminded my purpose was different and that I was supposed to help, write, speak and exchange.

How astrology saved me and taught me to understand myself

Astrology was always kind of a subject in my life. Since childhood I knew I was a Leo, and my mother is Taurus, my father is Capricorn and my sisters are Cancer and Virgo. I didn’t know the characteristics of signs, I never felt the urge to know more but my mother would occasionally read weekly and monthly horoscopes which were just for fun. Also I was very easily scared as a child, since so many paranormal things happened to me, and someone would always blame the poor devil on any evil that was happening in the world, so I thought to myself…hell…I’m not messing with anything dark. Little did I know all the things happening were probably happening for a good reason, it was only funny because I kept denying it all but maybe it’s better that way, since I’m sure I wasn’t even spiritually or mentally grown to receive all that kind of sacred and valuable information.

It wasn’t until my former soul friend whom I met on one graffiti workshop introduced subject of astrology to me.  I will never ever forget her. She looked to me like I have known her since forever, she was so witty, funny, and it seemed to me like for the first time somebody understands me. She presented astrology to me on simple way: by asking me what my sign was.

Leo! – I replied with much of confidence, probably 1% confidence that was in me, it was used up to verbally say it.

Leo?! You don’t really behave like a Leo, we have to do your chart. – she replied. She made it sound enough mysterious and interesting to catch my eye. So we did and it turned out I have 29° Virgo rising….seriously VIRGO!! Grrr, I was angry. How come I am not as Leo as I thought? Impossibre! 

Interestingly enough she was a Virgo Sun, with Moon in Aquarius and Scorpio rising with Pluto sitting on her ascendant. Speaking of transformation messiah. That whole year was life-changing. I went from being in what seemed pretty long (lol Ve180Ur) relationship which ended just like that and she was somewhat like my shaman through dark. The more dark came into my life, knowledge that was activated always seemed to get me into more light.

I definitely wanted to know more. There was so many articles and pages online that everything confused me. Everything I would read would have small portions with what I would identify with, and big portions of something that didn’t sound like me at all.

I quite agree!

I had to KNOW. I needed somebody to tell me what is going on, I needed to hear who I am because I knew who I am, but others always seemed to telling me different. I still felt lost, since so many things were happening, I was meeting new people by day, I was travelling with her on vacation only knowing her for few months, I was growing, talking, getting drunk, experimenting with drugs, I felt like shit, and felt great. Experiencing waves and so many experiences in the short period of time, I needed someone to tell me what the hell was going on, and if anything in life makes sense at all, why am I born, why is there war, why is there children hungry, why can’t we seem to print enough fucking money to stop poverty? Why is it so hard to find a trashcan and throw it in the trash? Why, why why? I had so many questions and not many people willing to answer it. Death was one of big issues for me back then since I went from believer (childhood), to atheist (God is Dead; Nietzsche) , antitheist (Hitchens, Dawkins) to agnostic; and eventually Gnostic but wow. I had to kill God to find it? Why?! I had so many questions and by noticing patterns in my own and other people’s behavior and eventually noticing patterns in nature, I really needed to fucking know. I felt like I deserve the answer since I didn’t choose to be born and those questions tormented me enough to keep digging.




Digging got me everywhere. Physically and mentally. It educated me more than any other school would. I kept finding hints, in literature, art. Somebody would say something that I just thought about and it would make me smile, because I know something is there. I discovered Yogananda and Carl Gustav Jung and for the first time I felt that Jung spoke of things I was thinking of.

1953 'space' kid on a coin operated rocket ship

I needed a mentor. I needed someone honest, intelligent (preferably more than myself) and safe person whom I can share honest truth with. And much needed to be shared, since I never felt there is anybody in this world I could let mentor me if I don’t consider them valuable enough. I was a little egoistic yet paranoid person. I needed discretion and sane mind yet insane enough to let me finish without taking fast conclusions. I’m laughing as typing this, since it’s been so long since that period that it makes me happy to talk about it now.

I prayed that one honest mentor would find me and finally 2014. was the year. I saw Facebook post about astrological school, such as Centre for astrological studies. I couldn’t believe it. In my town? Really? This exists in 90% catholic country? I was stoked, fascinated so that I couldn’t sleep at night.

My first meeting with my mentor was funny. I was accompanied by two other girls that were interested in astrology classes but two eventually dismissed it. So us three were walking and misread the street name. It was already probably 20 minutes into the class when we finally found the right street and joined the first class of Basic astrological lessons.  We had a brief introduction and had to send our birth dates so we can get our charts printed next time we come to second class.  This was the very first time I had a printed out chart in front of me. It was very beautiful to me, even with all the redness inside, I felt it was genuinely something of much value for my future.

We scheduled private consultation and without much words, I remember this astrologer activated my inner story. Some questions he asked made me talk more and more about myself, which hasn’t happened for a long long time. He asked the right questions, and because of private matters I can’t tell you which ones, but I can only tell you there was no way he could have spied out these informations on me since this was my first time meeting this man. As I said, I had no informations on astrology. My mentor had Leo Sun, Cancer Moon and was Sagittarius Rising. This Sagittarius rising put this big picture for me. All the small details my Virgo rising  was collecting and putting in organized boxes, he showed me things and materials that only made a synthesis which didn’t separate things, but connected them.

He had this calming nature of making me feel accepted regardless. I felt I didn’t have to shield myself because I am now in the safe territory. Usually strangers would make me feel alert and unsafe, but he felt like sanctuary, such as that little boy saw in me. I felt like my inner child had so much to share and say to him. And this is the most important part, my mind is strange, many thoughts appear and disappear,some important more, some less. But every time I asked him a question about stupid or unimportant question, his answer always seemed so zen. Not yes, not no. It would always make me feel silly for even asking him that. 

Organistrum players from the Hunterian Psalter, York, England, ca. 1170


At the same time he felt like friend, priest, sage, oracle, and student and teacher to me. I say student and teacher at the same time, because he never made me feel stupidier* than him, or less worthy but approached me as if we were equals with equal knowledge to put on table, which I seem to appreciate especially now after some time has passed.

It was definitely a destined meeting since he did properly introduce me to subject of astrology and made me step into self-learning never making any judgements on my character. I will be forever thankful for all he did for me. I’m so humble before him.

Astrology made me learn that I’m not just whole dominant of fixed fire, but I also have much of fixed earth. It has taught me that it is perfectly okay to be fascinated by unusual subjects and want to explore them. And it has taught me I really can do whatever I want to do, regardless of system. Because there is always an alternative way, and if one doors close, another door open. What’s important is to never stop seeking doors to unlock, and that this planet is so beautiful and there is always something more and new to learn, regardless. I wasn’t only a student of astrology but also student of occult, exploring different systems and trying to determine which one is best suiting one for me. Experiencing.


Caduceus. Image from Nicholas Flamel's 'The Figures of Abraham the Jew'.
Caduceus by Nicholas Flamel (The Figures of Abraham the Jew)

It made me realize I could never be bored. I can look at the leaf and imagine his inner structure or speak to it telepathically. It has taught me that world is good and evil at the same time but that good and evil are part of same coin, forever connected and have their own purpose.

It did taught me a good portion of life lessons I had to learn to accept. Such as value of a past and a value of letting past go. Learning value of self-esteem but not identifying with ego. But most of all, astrology taught me that we’re all different and unique in our expressions. Two may be similar but they’ll never be the same. I’ve learned how to let anybody state their opinion and live the life they want without interfering or intervening into their space.  


It taught me there is so much to learn by each day. And it only made me want to learn more, not only in subjects of astrology, but also art, literature, science, mathematics, history, biology and more.

And it taught me to be brave, and find alternative solutions. And to continue being creative and write. Which I felt it was my soul purpose since childhood.

Thank you for reading this tiny brain purge.



ulisse aldrovandi, circa 16th century
Ulisse Aldrovandi 16ct. Lion with human face

Text started on Jupiters Day, Venus hour

Finished Jupiters Day, Mercury hour

Finished completely: Jupiters day, Moon hour


Copyrights belong to Hermit Fool 





4 thoughts on “Trashcan: If creativity dies I die”

  1. Thank you… Completely unrelated but your brain purge comes like ordered syncronicity and a good reminder in darker underworldly times. Be Blessed and may muse of inspiration lead you to ever exploring everything you wish ^^

    Liked by 1 person

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